69 Most Nostalgic Planes, Trains and Automobiles Quotes

Cab Dispatcher: Hey! Get your car out of here!
Del: Yeah, just one sec.
Cab Dispatcher: GET IT OUT OF HERE!
Del: What is your problem? You insensitive asshole! Can’t you see we have an injured man down here? Now I’ll move my car, but I want you to help him up!
Neal: No!
Cab Dispatcher: My pleasure.
Neal: Oh!

Del: You know I’ve been thinking. What we’re dealing with here is a small-time crook. He didn’t take the credit cards, right? So we charge our way home. What kind of plastic do you carry?
Neal: I have a Visa and a gasoline card. Oh, and I have a Neiman Marcus card in case you want to send someone a gift. What do you have?
Del: Chalmer’s Big and Tall men’s shop. It’s a seven outlet chain in the pacific northwest. Great stuff. Unfortunately, it does us no good here.

You’re going the wrong way! You’re going to kill somebody!

Neil: He says we’re going the wrong way.
Del: Oh he’s drunk! How would he know where we’re going?!
Neil: Yeah, how would he know?

Del: You know, Stubville is a litte further than Wichita.
Neil: How much further?
Del: 30 miles. Maybe 40. No more than 45 though. Depending on which way he goes. If he goes on the back roads it could be anywhere up to 70 miles.

How can you break a car seat? It’s impossible!

Neal: Well, I’ll tell you… as much trouble as I’ve had on this little journey, I’m sure one day I’m gonna look back and laugh.
Del: You think so?
Neal: Oh, I’m laughing already.

You’ll never make the six.

Want to take a shower?

Del: You call the wife?
Neil: No one was home. Probably at my daughters Thanksgiving pageant.
Del: You missed it. I’m sorry. Those are the precious moments too. They don’t come back again.

Neal: Del, what are you doing here? You said you were going home, what are you doing here?
Del: I uh… I don’t have a home. Marie’s been dead for eight years.

Del: How’s your drink?
Neal: Good.
Del: Go for another one? Where you been? Have you been to Italy? Have you had amaretto?
Neal: I had amaretto and this is a gin.
Del: Gin.
Neal: Give me that – is there a tequila there?
Del: Ahem. A little Mexican trip.
Neal: Tequila?
Del: Here you go. Coming up.
Neal: Is this a good combo or what?
Del: No, probably not. Me, I’m goin’ back to, uh, Jamaica. Jamaica, mon. Go to Jamaica. Have some rum, mon. Dig it. Iree, iree, mon.

Hey Neil! Take my socks out the sink if you’re gonna brush your teeth, alright?

You could’ve killed me slugging me in the gut like that. That’s how Houdini died, you know.

You’re messing with the wrong guy!

I’ve been thinking when we put our heads together… we really… got nowhere.

One good thing about it is that with all this fresh air we’re gonna sleep like babies!

You’re like one of those Chatty Cathy dolls except I’m not pulling the string, you are. Blah! Blah! Blah!

I didn’t introduce myself. Del Griffith. American Light and Fixture, Sales Director, shower curtain ring division.

Susan Page: You shared a motel room with a complete stranger? Are you crazy?
Neal: Not yet. But I’m getting there.

Del: Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.
Neal: I know.
Del: I won’t stay long. Maybe I’ll just say hi, then be on my way.
Neal: Just come on.

Del: Yay! Neal has a song… go ahead Neal…
Neal: Three coins in the fountain… one diff-
Del: Flinstones… meet the Flintstones… they’re the modern stone age family.

Del: You believe this?
Neal: It’s been a hell of a trip.
Del: Sure has.
Neal: But, uh, after all is said and done, you did get me home.
Del: Next time, let’s go first class, all right?
Neal: God, I hope there isn’t a next time.
Del: I know what you mean! I really do. This you?
Neal: Yeah.
Del: It’s been great meeting you, Neal, it really has. Again, I’m sorry if I caused you any trouble.
Neal: Oh, no, you didn’t cause me any trouble. You got me home, and, uh… a little late.
Del: A couple days.
Neal: But, uh… I’m a little wiser, too.
Del: Me, too.
Neal: Happy holidays.
Del: Same to you. Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. Give my love to the family, will you? Maybe I’ll get a chance to meet ’em one day.
Neal: Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.
Del: Yeah.
Neal: So… okay. And, uh, you have a happy Thanksgiving.
Del: Hey, you know it.
Neal: So long.

Neal: See that Bears game last week?
Del: Yeah. Hell of a game. Hell of a game.
Neal: Bears got a great team this year. They’re gonna go all the way.

State Trooper: What the hell are you driving here?
Del: We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.
Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del: Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it’s very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
Trooper: Seventy-eight miles an hour.
Del: Yeah, I can buy that. You would know better than us, especially with a melted speedometer.
Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del: Yes, I do. I really do. I know it’s not pretty to look at, but it’ll get you where you wanna go.
Trooper: You have no outside mirror.
Del: No, we lost that.
Trooper: You have no functioning gauges.
Del: No, not a one. However, the radio still works!

This is Czechoslovakian ivory…

Neal: What do you think? You think this is a good combination?
Del: No, probably not.

Neil: How fast are you going?
Del: I can’t tell, the speedometer is melted!

Well, this isn’t so bad – I thought it would be a lot worse than this. They’ll be able to buff this out no problem.

I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb’s ass.

You’re going to be in Chicago in less than three hours, around there, if we don’t hit traffic, and I don’t think we should – it’s Thanksgiving. We’re movin’ now.

Del: I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that.
Neal: You left them on a vibrating bed, what did you think was gonna happen?
Del: It’s been a long day. It just – it just didn’t occur to me.
Neal: It didn’t occur to you; so, I have to sleep in a puddle of beer!

Is this a coincidence…or what?

I called a good friend of mine at Eastern Air Lines. It doesn’t look good.

Marti Page: Mom, is Grandpa Walter going to give me noogies?
Susan Page: Of course he’s going to give you noogies. He loves giving you noogies. That’s how he tells you he loves you.
Little Neal Page: Why doesn’t he give me noogies?
Susan Page: Because you get Indian burns.
Little Neal Page: But I prefer noogies.

My dogs are barkin’ today!

Neal: What’s the flight situation?
Del: Simple. There’s no way on earth we’re going to get out of here tonight. We’d have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.
Neal: I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
Del: Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you’d have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.
Neal: Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita?
Del: I’m saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.

Neal: I’ll get that. I’ve paid for everything else, why break precedent?
Del: You’re making me feel like a freeloader!
Neal: Get me on the train, we’re square.
Del: You got it. That’s the easy part.

Owen: Get your lazy behind out here and put that in back!
Neal: Oh, no, no. We’ve got it.
Del: It’s very heavy.
Owen: She don’t mind. She’s short and skinny, but she’s strong. Her first baby – come out sideways. She didn’t scream or nothin’.
Del: Isn’t that something. You’re a real trooper!

Neal: I’d like one room for the night.
Del: If you’re upset, maybe we should get separate rooms.
Neal: You get your own room.
Hotel Clerk: Will you be paying with credit card?
Neal: Yes. I have a Visa card… Diner’s Club card… and a gasoline card.
Hotel Clerk: These aren’t… these aren’t credit cards.
Neal: Do you take cash?
Hotel Clerk: Forty-two fifty.
Neal: How about seventeen dollars…
Hotel Clerk: I can’t do that.
Neal: Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.
Del: I can vouch for that.
Hotel Clerk: I don’t own the place, I…
Neal: Seventeen dollars… and a hell of a nice watch?

Neal: Sir? Sir? Sir, excuse me. I know this is your cab, but I’m desperately late for a plane, and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it.
New York Lawyer: I don’t have a good nature. Excuse me.
Cab Driver – New York: Come on!
Neal: Can I offer you ten dollars for it?
New York Lawyer: Nah.
Neal: Twenty! I’ll give you twenty dollars for it.
New York Lawyer: I’ll take fifty.
Neal: All right, all right.
New York Lawyer: Anyone who’d pay fifty dollars for a cab… would certainly pay seventy-five.
Neal: Not necessarily… All right, seventy-five dollars. You’re a thief!
New York Lawyer: Close. I’m an attorney.
Neal: Have a happy holiday.
New York Lawyer: This’ll help.

How do you turn this thing off? Ouch!

Six bucks and my right nut says we’re not landing in Chicago.

Owen: I’m to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?
Del: Yeah, we’d appreciate it.
Owen: Train don’t run out of Wichita… unlessin’ you’re a hog or a cattle. People train runs out of Stubbville.

I always order a special meal. On this airline, I go with the seafood salad. On American, I’ll have their kosher plate: a little slice of salami, some roast beef, some turkey, dark rye bread, very nice. Now, if I’m flying United, I’ll say I’m a youngster and they’ll give me the kiddie plate. That’s a hot dog, bag of potato chips, a gherkin, and a nice little bag of Oreo cookie, mmm!

Hotel Clerk: Do you have seventeen dollars and a good watch?
Del: No I don’t. I have uh… two dollars… and a Casio.
Hotel Clerk: I’m going to have to say goodnight, so…

Neal: Eh, look, I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so…
Del: Don’t let me stand in your way, please don’t let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth… You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn’t know when to keep his big trap shut… If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs…

Del: Neal, trouble on the home front? Huh?
Neal: I really don’t think that’s any of your concern.
Del: You know, the finest line a man will walk is between success at work and success at home. I gotta motto: Like your work, Love your wife.

Gus: Del Griffith! How the hell are ya?
Del: Well, I’m still a million bucks shy of bein’ a millionaire. Gus, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page from Chicago. Neal, this is Gus Mooney.
Neal: Hi.
Gus: Glad to meet you, Nick.

Bus Lover: [to Neal] Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.
Del: [to Neal] Ha Ha Ha! You got busted!

If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?

Neal: Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual.
Del: Unique… what’s that, Latin for “asshole”?

Del: You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I’ve never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you’d be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I’m sorry. That’s terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn’t kill you?
Neal: Do you have any idea how glad I’d be if you had?
Del: Oh, come on, pal, you don’t mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?
Neal: How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn’t there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don’t have any more cars?
Del: I got a car, no sweat at all.
Neal: Well Del, you’re a charmed man.
Del: Nope.
Neal: Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.
Del: Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.

Del: You know, when I’m dead and buried, all I’m gonna have around here to prove that I was here are some shower curtain rings that didn’t fall down. Great legacy, huh?
Neal: At the very least, the absolute minimum, you’ve got a woman you love to grow old with, right? You love her, don’t you?
Del: Love… is not a big enough word. It’s not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.
Neal: To the wives.
Del: To the wives!

Neal: Honey, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine.
Susan Page: Hello, Mr. Griffith.
Del: Hello, Mrs. Page.

Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I’m done on this side. I’m afraid to look at my ass. There’ll be griddle marks.

Del: What?
Neal: You know goddamn well what!
Del: I’m sorry I don’t.
Neal: I had over 700 dollars in here.
Del: I didn’t touch your dough Neal. I’m a lot of things but I’m not a thief.
Neal: Well you went into my stuff last night right?
Del: I didn’t take your money! and I don’t care for the accusation.
Neal: Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to…
Del: Count it!
Neal: Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it.
Del: There’s 263 dollars in there. If there’s a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it.
Neal: Empty.
Del: WHAT? We were robbed!
Neal: Do you think so?

I haven’t been home in years.

Del: You’re in a pretty lousy mood, huh?
Neal: To say the least.
Del: You ever travel by bus before? Hmm. Your mood’s probably not going to improve much.

Del: I know you don’t I? I’m usually very good with names but I’ll be damned if I haven’t forgotten yours.
Neal: You stole my cab.
Del: I never stole anything in my life.
Neal: I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.
Del: You’re the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.
Neal: Forget it.
Del: I can’t forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.
Neal: No thanks.
Del: Just a hot dog then.
Neal: I’m kinda picky about what I eat.
Del: Some coffee?
Neal: No.
Del: Milk?
Neal: No.
Del: Soda?
Neal: No.
Del: Tea?
Neal: No
Del: LifeSavers?
Neal: No.
Del: Slurpee?
Neal: Sir – please.
Del: Just let me know. I’m here. I knew I knew ya!

Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I’m simply stating a fact. That’s all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what’d make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?

Neal: How could you rent the thing without a credit card anyway? I mean you could but how could you?
Del: Oh I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.
Neal: You can’t rent a car with shower curtain rings Del.
Del: Well… your diner’s club card wound up in my wallet and I just…
Neal: You STOLE it!
Del: Not exactly.
Neal: You stole it! I knew you stole it. You stole the card and then you rented a car and you burned it up! I knew you stole it.
Del: No I didn’t! I found it in my wallet! I thought maybe you put it there.
Neal: WHY WOULD I PUT IT THERE?
Del: Kindness.
Neal: KINDNESS! KINDNESS! You stole it! He stole it!
Del: No I didn’t. I was going to send you the card back. With whatever the rental car charge was. Plus interest. But you didn’t give me your address. You just ditched me! I had no cards. I had no money. I had nothing!
Neal: Give it back!
Del: I can’t!
Neal: Why not?
Del: Because!
Neal: Because why?
Del: Because when we stopped to gas up. I put the card in your wallet. You’re not mad at me are you?

Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile! A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car… right… fucking… now.
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh, boy.
Neal: Oh, boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You’re fucked.

Neal: What do you think the temperature is?
Del: One.

Cab Dispatcher: Where are you going?
Neal: Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher: Chicago?
Neal: Yeah, Chicago.
Cab Dispatcher: You know you’re in St. Louis?
Neal: Yes I do.
Cab Dispatcher: Why don’t you try the airlines? It’s faster and you get a free meal.
Neal: If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?

You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Yeah, you’re right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you… but I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. ‘Cause I’m the real article. What you see is what you get.

Neal: Del… Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: Where’s your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows…
Neal: Those aren’t pillows!

You’re no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room, and someone who’ll listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn’t you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn’t that give you some sort of clue, like, hey, maybe this guy’s not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have none of that. They’re not even amusing *accidentally*! “Honey, I’d like you to meet Del Griffith, he’s got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh, and here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out. You’ll thank me for it.” I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “‘Cause I’ve been with Del Griffith. I can take anything.” You know what they’d say? They’d say, “I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Whoa.” It’s like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back, you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Well Marie, once again my dear, you were as right as rain. I am, with out a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone whose company I really enjoy, and what do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I got a big mouth. When am I ever gonna wake up? I wish you were here with me right now. But… I guess that’s not gonna happen. Not now, anyway.