79 Timeless Step Brothers Quotes From This Hilarious Comedy

You are not a doctor… you’re a big fat curly-headed f*ck.

You’re gonna love this neighborhood. Every single house here recycles.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!

Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I’m your son.

Do you want to do karate in the garage?

Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

You don’t even look good while you’re singing. The worst thing I’ve ever heard.

I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes, I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and… I just figure it out.

Gotta have my boats and hoes!

This is twelve hundred dollars a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get?

I don’t believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness.

I got a belly full of white dog cr*p in me, and now you lay this sh** on me?!

Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.

No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.

Shut up. You’ll wake up my Dad and get me grounded.

I’m going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.

I think I might be able to help with the pan-pam dilemma.

I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

I know you touched my drumstick, ’cause the left one has a chip in it.

Brennan, Denise called, and she said she can’t spend New Year’s Eve with you because she’s not your girlfriend, she’s your therapist.

You’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric f**k!

I’m not great at this Hallmark stuff, but Brennan, when I look at you now, I don’t want to kick you in the head quite as much.

This house is a f**king prison!

I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home.

I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that’s what you mean.

Boats ‘N’ Hoes, Boats ‘N’ Hoes.

Flat. It’s so flat, I can’t even… I don’t even know.

I am warning you: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife.

Brennan: Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, OK?
Dale: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.

Dale: Did you rub your balls on my drums?
Brennan: No, I was watching Cops.
Dale: I know for a fact that Cops doesn’t come on till four.

Dale: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan: I was watching Cops.

OK, on the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don’t even think about it; just do it. One, two, three.

Nancy: You don’t know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
Brennan: It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazin’ that shit up every day.

Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, ‘Oh, my God, I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,’ and she grabs me by the wiener.

Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what’s good for shoulder pain?
Derek: What?
Brennan: If you lick my butthole.

Nancy: Guys. Guys. Guys!
Brennan: I’ll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
Dale: The clown has no penis.
Nancy: What kind of dreams are you guys having?

Yeah, I got ’em from the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s. It’s like masturbating in a time machine.

I want to roll you into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.

Dale: Brennan, you’re alive! Oh, my God!
Brennan: I know. I’m alive.
Dale: You were dead. I saw you die.
Brennan: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.

Manager: Was that a fart?
Dale: I don’t know.
Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale: OK, I’ll be honest with you. I did fart.
Manager: Is that onion? Onion… and onion and ketchup. It stinks. And this is a small room.

Dr. Doback: Is this your purse in the freezer?
Nancy: Yes… it’s Brennan… he sleepwalks.
Dr. Doback: Are you serious? Dale sleepwalks, too. Check the oven.
Nancy: Couch pillows.

Brennan: Well, Pan…
Pam: No, it’s Pam.
Brennan: Are you saying, Pan or Pam?
Pam: My name is Pam.
Brennan: Pand, there’s a D on the end.
Pam: No, there’s no D.

When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And one day my dad said, ‘Bobby, you are 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside,’ and I said, ‘Okay, Pop.’ But he didn’t really say that, he said, ‘Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.’

Dale: I’m Dale, but you have to call me Dragon.
Brennan: You have to call me Nighthawk.

Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon.

Brennan: Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?
Dale: Yup.

Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
Brennan: It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!

Robert better not get in my face ’cause I’ll drop that motherfucker!

I’m gonna fill a pillowcase full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

I still hate you, but you have a pretty good collection of nudie magazines.

God, you’re gonna make me cry. What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?

I’ve been called the songbird of my generation.

You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She’s a saint!

My mom is being eaten by a dog and there’s nothing I can do!

Listen, I know that we started out as foes. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Last week, I put liquid paper on a bee… and it died.

I know that you are technically married now, but that does not mean that they have to live here.

Dad, we’re men, OK? That means a few things. We like to shit with the door open. We talk about pussy. We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky. That’s what we do. And now that is all wrecked.

Get your shit, we’re going to my room.

Dad, I’m doing this because I love you. Fuck you.

Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one. Go!

You should have never let us make bunk beds! It was a terrible idea! There’s blood everywhere! Dad, Nancy, it’s so bad. There’s blood everywhere. Those bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why’d you let us do that? It’s so bad!

You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

I’m fucking miserable. I had to get up at 10 o’clock this morning.

That’s so funny; the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

One time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.

Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. I can’t even make eye contact with you right now. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

Okay, I’m gonna save it with the solo.

Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Hey, you know, we don’t have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren’t here.

I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan – who still lives at home with me!

Alright, that is it! You guys leave me no choice! No television for a whole week!

Did we just become best friends?

You are wearing tuxedos to a job interview that requires you to clean bathrooms.

Listen, gang, don’t be mad at Dale for ruining the story… And possibly the evening.

I’m not gonna call him dad, not even if there’s a fire.

You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I’m gonna punch you square in the face.

Dad, what are you going? It’s ‘Shark Week’!

This is going to sound weird but, for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.