43 Remarkable White Chicks Quotes That Will Make Your Day

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland: [as Tiffany and Brittany Wilson] Yes.
Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no, there’s… there’s no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper: Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Yeah, actually I have heard it once… or twice.
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!

Marcus Copeland: Hey, baby.
Gina: Don’t “hey, baby” me. I can’t believe you have me sitting here all night worried about you.
Marcus Copeland: All night? Baby, it’s only 8:00. Look, after work, me and Kevin went down to the bar and had a couple of drinks.
Gina: I know. I called the bar. They said you left at 7:45. I checked MapQuest. It only takes 6 minutes to get there from here. So, if you got somebody one the side, Marcus, you need to tell me.
Marcus Copeland: Baby, listen to what you just say. MapQuest said it takes 6 minutes to get here. I got here in 8. Which means there’s 2 minutes unaccounted for. If I was cheating on you, don’t you think I’d need more than 2 minutes?

You spend all day trying to the perfect outfit. You even change your hairstyle just so he’ll take a second look. But they never notice. Sometimes l just wish that they could trade places with us… so that they would know how it feels.

These starving kids in Africa make me so sad. They don’t even have to try to be skinny!

Marcus Copeland: Hey girls!
Karen: Hi.
Tori: So you guys were pretending to be them all the time?
Kevin Copeland: Yes, we were, but we was doing our job. I just hope you guys aren’t too pissed off at us.
Karen: We’re so bummed! We liked Brittany and Tiffany like… so much more when you were them. So much more.
Lisa: So I guess this means we won’t be hanging out anymore.
Kevin Copeland: Aw don’t say that of course we will. We’ll hang out.
Marcus Copeland: Yeah, we’re all gonna get together and we’re gonna goooo…
Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland, Karen, Lisa, Tori: SHOPPING!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Sweetie! You’ve got to slow up with those cosmos!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Tee-hee! Oh, fine.
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Brittany and Tiffany Wilson, checking in!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Who do you work for?
Stripper: Intimate Fantasies!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson] Oh, my god! Look who’s here. It’s that beautiful…
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Save it! Because of you, I had to suspend two of my best agents!
Kevin Copeland: But Chief, I can explain.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: I don’t wanna hear it! You’re just lucky we caught Burton before he could strike.
Kevin Copeland: But Burton is not our guy!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Let me guess: Woman’s intuition? You’re both fired. Turn in your guns and your badges. This operation is over!
Kevin Copeland: Come on, Chief! You can’t fire us.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: I just did.

Gina: Marcus! Did you hear me just now?
Marcus Copeland: Mm-hmm.
Gina: Tell me what I said.
Marcus Copeland: I heard everything. You was communicating.
Gina: Marcus, don’t play with me right now. I am not in the mood. I cannot believe you came home late and then you start… Marcus! You are falling asleep again. I am talking to you.
Marcus Copeland: I wasn’t asleep, baby, I was closing my eyes and visualing your words.
Gina: Oh, really? Visualizing? Well, why don’t you pant me a picture of what I just said?
Marcus Copeland: Hold on.
Gina: Mm-mm. You know why? Because you are falling asleep again. Marcus! Marcus!

Kevin Copeland: Hi, I’m Kevin Copeland…
Tiffany Wilson: We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
Brittany Wilson: Yeah!
Kevin Copeland, Marcus Copeland: Excuse us. Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold on, hold on!
Kevin Copeland: Hold on! We’re actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
Tiffany Wilson: Oh! The bags are on the plane.
Brittany Wilson: Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn’t have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!

Good Morning, Snowflake.

Take good care of him. Oh, and teach him how to say “Yo quiero Taco Bell”. ‘Kay?

Oopsie! I had a poopsie!

Yo, hold my poodle! Hold my poodle!

How did you know? I love this song!

Don’t hate me ’cause you ain’t me!

Marcus Copeland: You know what? I ain’t going to deal with this. I’m tired, okay? I had a long day at work. I got shot at.
Gina: See, that is exactly what I’m talking about. We don’t communicate.
Marcus Copeland: Okay, fine. You wanna communicate.
Gina: Yes.
Marcus Copeland: Come on. Let’s communicate. Okay?
Gina: Okay. Let’s start with last week.
Marcus Copeland: Last week.
Gina: You and I were supposed to go shopping together. We get to the mall. I buy this beautiful dress, I get my hair done. You don’t say anything. I don’t know, maybe you just want to…

Move, B****!

Tongue’s kinda big.

Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac?

Karen: Oh my god, you guys. Heath is here. What should I do?
Tori: Karen, I don’t understand what you see in him. He’s an out-of-work actor living in a share house. And he drives a 3 Series BMW.
Karen: Tori, I really think that you need to cut Heath a little bit of slack. His aunt died three years ago and he really needs new headshots. He’s just going through a really rough time right now. Okay?

Tiffany Wilson: Oh my God! Brittany?
Brittany Wilson: What?
Tiffany Wilson: We’re on page 6!
Brittany Wilson: No!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
Brittany Wilson: No!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
Brittany Wilson: NO!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah! Look! “Wilson Sisters Rock Hamptons”!
Brittany Wilson: Wilsons rock! We rock!
Tiffany Wilson: Yes!
Brittany Wilson: Wait… We weren’t *in* the Hamptons this weekend!
Brittany Wilson, Tiffany Wilson: Oh no!
Brittany Wilson, Tiffany Wilson: We’ve been cloned!

You hit like a bitch! C’mon.

Tori: I am so glad I got waxed today.
Karen: Ugh, me too. What did you get?
Tori: The Bald Eagle.
Karen: I got the Bermuda Triangle.
Lisa: The Landing Strip.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I got the Buckwheat.
Karen: Eww, that’s sick.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Ahh, what a beautiful sunny day! Oh my God, what happened to the sun? Ahh!
Latrell Spencer: Easy white chocolate, I wouldn’t want you to melt.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Yeah, hasta la vista Schwarzenegro. Okay, bye.

Agent Vincent Gomez: So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing? Kevin or Marcus?
Agent Jake Harper: Gomez, l told you. l was looking for DNA…
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Oh, yeah.
Agent Jake Harper: What are you laughing at, ”Denzel”? ”Oh, what a beautiful chocolate man!” hahahaha
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: You guys got some work to do?

I know you hookers don’t think this is over with.

Marcus Copeland: Man! You guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend!
Brittany Wilson: This isn’t *a* weekend!
Tiffany Wilson: It’s *the* weekend!
Brittany Wilson: Labor Day in The Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Like, only the hottest people are going to be there.
Tiffany Wilson: And only the hottest of the *hottest* are going make it onto the cover of “Hamptons Magazine”! And this is *our* year!
Brittany Wilson: Yay! Uh, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze. I just hope the Vandergeld Sisters’ private jet *crashes* on the way there!
Tiffany Wilson: Oh, my God, Brittany!
Brittany Wilson: You were thinking it!
Tiffany Wilson: I know, but you *said* it!
Brittany Wilson: I know, I know!
Tiffany Wilson: And you, know, Heather totally *hates* you because you slept with her boyfriend.
Brittany Wilson: Oh, my God! So what? I sleep with *everyone’s* boyfriend!

I so could have done that part. She doesn’t even have herpes.

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Sorry. Um… um… They’re new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake Harper: Hi. I, I, um… I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Credit card? I.D.? I’m *so* freakin’ pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow… I get off the surgery table looking like freakin’ *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I’m some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn’t mean to offend you; it’s just, it’s… it’s protocol!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] I’m gonna have a B.F.!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Oh, my God… She’s gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don’t have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I’m gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dear… Mr… Royal… Hampton. I… am… a… *white*… woman… in… America.

Megan Vandergeld: Daddy! Why are you doing this?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson, but in his regular voice] Daddy didn’t tell you? He’s broke!
Heather Vandergeld: What do you mean “broke”? Like, Martha Stewart “broke”? Or MC Hammer “broke”?
Warren Vandergeld: MC Hammer broke!
Megan Vandergeld, Heather Vandergeld: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is–is–is…
Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. “We?” Kevin, this ain’t about “we.” It’s never been. It’s about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I’m dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it’s gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don’t tell me about “we” no more, all right?

White meat only.

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Gimme that.
Purse Snatcher: Jesus, lady! All this for just a handbag?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] It’s not “just” a handbag. It’s Prada!

Once you go black, you gonna need a wheelchair.

Look, King Kong. Why don’t you take you and your “1980 pick-up lines,” climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big old monkey chest, and then jump off? Excuse me.

Lisa: I’m Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.
Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean. Whoo.

Hi, I’m Cellulite Sally, look at my huge ba-donkey. Don’t forget about me, I’m Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh, yeah, it’s Tina the Talking Tummy. I can’t even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Latrell Spencer: Oh, the deception. The betrayal. Man, you deceived me.
Marcus Copeland: Look, man…
Latrell Spencer: Negro, please. Didn’t anyone tell you that this was an all-white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.

She don’t know it yet… But that’s ‘Wifey’ right there.

Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld: It’s the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn’t?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I’m sorry, but um… we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office. A klept-ho-maniac!
Megan Vandergeld: Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] What?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It’s mother time, OK? Your mother’s so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! “Something’s wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie’s doing a beatbox!”
Heather Vandergeld: Well, yeah? Your mother’s so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother’s so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this.
Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like… She’s so… Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney’s Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a ‘ni-coise’ salad. ‘Ni-coise’ salad, right?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother’s ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King’s about to pop out and say, “Only in America!”

I don’t see why I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.

Triple-T, K, A. Time to totally kick ass!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] How about this?
Lisa: You bitch, that’s so terrible!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I’m going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
Lisa: OK! OK!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!