Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.

You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

Your opinion is not my reality.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.

If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.

No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.

Understimate me. That will be fun.

I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I’m asleep.

What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.