Back where I’m from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.

You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. Y’know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.

If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes it’s easier to speak our minds anonymously.

If I didn’t have any confidence, I never would’ve worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.

Ice cream’s the best. It’s kinda like seeing Billy Joel live. Never disappoints.

There’s two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that’s ‘panic’ and ‘snooze.’

Great party game, horrible relationship status.

Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.

You could fill two internets with what I don’t know about football.

Well! If seeing is believing, then I believe we’ve been seen.

Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.